You Can Be Assertive
Assertiveness
Wish you could be more assertive? Do you find yourself backing down when you want to speak whatever is on your heart and mind? Does fear grip you to the point of speechlessness? Do you even find yourself saying “yes” when you want to say “no”? Well, you are not alone.
People find themselves unable to speak their truth because fear grips them. They experience fear for several reasons. Such as, they are afraid of how someone will respond. Fearful of not being liked. It is difficult for them to articulate how they feel or their point of view because they start feeling overwhelmed. At times, they know that what they have to say will not be received well. And of course, sometimes people will keep quiet for the fear that they will not keep their emotions under control.
If you experience any of the above, then you are in the right place. Here, I will explain assertiveness and give you three steps to communicate how you feel and your perspective effectively.
Assertive, what is it?
Being able to communicate your feelings and opinions without becoming anxious to the point of having a panic attack or just being impolite.
When communicating your feelings and opinions, you put boundaries in place and let others know that you have limits.
Being assertive will give you confidence. You are putting yourself first by acknowledging what is inside you while understanding what the other person is saying. You will not be neglecting other people in the conversation but seeking to understand them while stating your position.
Be Assertive Gain Confidence
Example:
For example, a co-worker who is known for leaving the job early and delegating their work to others, ask you to stay late this evening and cover for them.
Non-assertive Response – “Yes, sure!” While internally, you are feeling upset at that person for even putting you on the spot. You do not want to work over and do their job. Bitterness and resentment start building in you towards that person. Angry at yourself because you had an evening of self-care planned, which included a hot candle-lit bubble bath with a glass of kombucha, and of course, there would have been smooth jazz playing in the background. Now, you are working late.
Assertive Respond – “No!” You do not have to give an explanation.
Being assertive builds you up. It helps you to stay true to yourself and live authentically. MASK FREE!
You may be thinking,
“you don’t know my family, they are not going to respond well”
or
“you don’t know the people I work with, they never listen to me.”
Even if you are having a conversation with someone who talks over you, you can communicate your feelings and state your position about the situation.
At times, you may decide just to state your position, especially if you are talking with someone who will not care about how you feel. That is ok!
Make sure to decide what is best for you at the moment. Assess:
- How do you feel about what is being asked of you?
- What do you want to do in the situation?
- How will you communicate it to others?
Steps to communicating effectively
- Consciously decided what needs to be communicated. Everything that comes to your mind does not need to be spoken out of your mouth. Making a purposeful choice on what you want to share will help you stay focused on the situation or problem but say the right words that will effectively represent what you are thinking. Also, it will help you to maintain composure and politeness.
- If it is an uncomfortable conversation, take a slow deep breath. Stay focus on the problem and communicate your opinion about the situation.
Assertive Communication
- Communicate your thoughts and feelings concerning the problem and situation. STAY FOCUS ON THE PROBLEM!
-
- You may find that the conversation begins to go sideways, and maybe the other person begins to take hits at your character, values, and or lifestyle. When the conversation starts to focus on other things besides the problem, call a break or timeout. That will allow each party to cool off and reevaluate their position and ways to communicate effectively.
- Rethink having a conversation where you are not able to communicate. Is that a conversation, or are you just listening to someone vent if you cannot share?
- It may be necessary to write the problem down, and each party comes up with solutions to the problem and write them down. That may help everyone to stay focus on the issue and not belittling each other.
- Communicate the best solution to the problem that will work for each party.
Being assertive may be a challenge for you. Give these steps a try with one circumstance at a time. Remember you are taking small simple steps and you may have to take small baby turtle steps towards being assertive. This change is a journey. One step at a time.
Starting off voicing your concerns and opinions will cause you to feel anxious at first. Take a few deep breaths before speaking to relax. It is ok to feel nervous when doing something new. The more you put it into proactive the easier it will become.